the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
