Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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