i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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