I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
