Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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