mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
third nipple confirmed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
