do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
