I love black thongs
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
