I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
