i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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