It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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