if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
