And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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