i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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