I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
