I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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