Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
