Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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