Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
