they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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