i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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