Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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