I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
