The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
