Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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