It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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