This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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