I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
