Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
