Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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