you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
