put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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