dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
