I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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