Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
