You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
