i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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