I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
