You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I need to calm my uterus...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
