i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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