She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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