had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
