You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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