I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
