I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
