No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
