dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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