is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
