She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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