I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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