Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
