some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he was CRYING into my vagina
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
