Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
