It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
