just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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