I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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