im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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