The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
