She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
