I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize