I think my fart just growled at me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
